Bad Connections

Watch out for ambiguous pronouns and fake transitions.

Hack Recap: In the last Hack, I wrote about how to sharpen your sentences by reuniting your subject and verb.

This week’s Hack: To create clear connections between sentences, avoid ambiguous pronouns and fake transitions.

If you’ve spent as much time on Zoom as I have this year, you’ve probably had the experience of watching in horror as your internet connection glitched just as someone was saying something you really needed to hear. Once your connection was restored, you may not have wanted to interrupt the speaker to find out what you missed. Anyone who has had this experience will probably agree that when you miss crucial information, it’s difficult to catch up.

When we don’t make clear connections between our ideas in our writing, we create a similar experience for our readers. But here’s the good news: While you may not have control over bad Zoom connections, you do have control over how you connect your ideas in your writing. To make clear connections between your sentences, watch out for these two obstacles:

OBSTACLE #1: AMBIGUOUS PRONOUNS CONFUSE READERS

We often replace nouns with pronouns in order to avoid repetition, and most of the time the swap works fine. Consider these sentences:

Example 1: I enjoyed the waffle. It was amazing.

Example 2: I enjoyed the waffle. The waffle was amazing.

In the first example, I’ve replaced “waffle” with “it” to avoid repetition, and I can reasonably expect that my readers will understand what I’m talking about. The second example is also perfectly fine, but I’d probably choose the first one to avoid repeating waffle.

But what happens when a reader can’t easily identify the noun that a pronoun is replacing? Consider this sentence:

I did not enjoy eating my waffle at the diner because it was covered with wet paint.

Was the diner covered with wet paint? Or was the waffle covered with wet paint? We can’t understand the sentence without knowing the answer to these questions. And the answer matters: I think I could enjoy eating a waffle in a diner covered with wet paint. On the other hand, I would definitely not enjoy eating a waffle that was covered with wet paint. (And I would also have follow-up questions: How much does a waffle covered with wet paint cost? What kind of paint? Is it safe to eat?)

The confusion in the waffle/diner sentence arises from the fact that the “it” (a pronoun) could either be replacing “waffle” (a noun) or “diner” (another noun). Because readers can’t know for sure which noun the pronoun is replacing, we end up with an ambiguous pronoun—and possibly with a plate of waffles covered in Benjamin Moore’s Beach House Beige. And we create work for our readers, who have to stop and ask all of these questions before they can understand the sentence.

TWO QUICK FIXES FOR AMBIGUOUS PRONOUNS

Fix #1: Replace the pronoun with the original noun.

If the diner was covered with wet paint, you could write this: I did not enjoy eating my waffle at the diner because the diner was covered with wet paint.

If the waffle was covered with wet paint, you could write this: I did not enjoy eating my waffle at the diner because the waffle was covered with wet paint.

Fix #2: Rewrite the sentence.

Sometimes repeating the noun sounds awkward (which is why we choose the pronoun instead). While awkward is better than unclear, you can usually solve both problems by rewriting the sentence:

I will never eat at the diner again because my waffle was covered with wet paint.

While I loved my waffle, I would prefer not to eat in a diner covered with wet paint.

Tip: Pay special attention when you see “this,” “that,” or “it” at the beginning of a sentence.

When you begin a sentence with a pronoun, you’re assuming that readers will be able to match that pronoun with a noun in a previous sentence. But sometimes they can’t. I see this problem most often in sentences that begin with “this,” “that,” or “it.”

Here’s an example:

Reopening the economy will require government funding and community support. This won’t happen without considerable effort and a little bit of luck.    

What is this? At first glance, I’d say that “this” refers to “reopening the economy.”  But “this” could also refer to “government funding” or to “community support.” And the ambiguity grows when we add another sentence to the paragraph: 

Reopening the economy will require government funding and community support. This won’t happen without considerable effort and a little bit of luck. The Chamber of Commerce needs to step up to make it happen.

Make what happen? The opening of the economy? The government funding?

By replacing ambiguous pronouns with nouns, you make important connections for your readers so that they can focus on your ideas. In this version, nouns replace the ambiguous pronouns:

Reopening the economy will require government funding and community support. Achieving both government and community support won’t happen without considerable effort and a little bit of luck. The Chamber of Commerce needs to step up and lobby for government funding.

OBSTACLE #2: FAKE TRANSITIONS CREATE THE ILLUSION OF CONNECTION

When used effectively, transition words highlight connections between sentences (and ideas).

Transition words can signal contrast: We should stop paying for costly repairs. Instead, we should invest in infrastructure.

Transition words can signal cause and effect: Profits decreased in 2020. As a result, the company laid off 20% of the office staff.

Transition words can signal a conclusion: Therefore, we should divest from fossil fuels.

Transition words can signal additional information: Furthermore, your actions constitute a breach of contract.

On the other hand (see how I signaled contrast there?), “fake” transitions promise connection where no clear connection exists. In my experience, writers add these transition words when they’re not yet sure how their ideas are connected. I see these “fake transitions” most often with transition words that signal additional information, such as in addition, also, moreover, and furthermore.

Here’s an example of a paragraph connected by a series of fake transitions:

Shipping delays were caused by the increased demand for paper goods during the pandemic. Moreover, people have been spending more time at home. Furthermore, with costs continuing to increase and supply remaining low, we need to think creatively about the future of the industry.

The “moreover” suggests that people spending more time at home adds something to our understanding of shipping delays. But we don’t have enough information to see how these ideas are connected. Meanwhile (see what I did there?), the “furthermore” suggests that the third sentence is also related to the previous two sentences. But the writer hasn’t connected the dots for us. 

If you catch yourself overusing transition words, try to rewrite your sentences without using those words.

When I remove the transition words from the passage above and replace them with actual connections between my ideas, I end up with this version:

Shipping delays were caused by the increased demand for paper goods while people stayed home during the pandemic. Due to high costs and low supply, we need to think creatively about the future of the industry.

Removing fake transitions words will force you to create real connections between your sentences.

*HACK CHALLENGE*

Identify the ambiguous pronouns in the sentences below. Please share your answer in the comments!

The recent decision to pause the Johnson and Johnson vaccine will contribute to vaccine hesitancy and general skepticism about vaccines. It may even lead to a worldwide vaccine crisis. This is a problem that will likely become insurmountable.